Pop Culture Nonsense

An Open Letter...

Dear Jenna Jameson,

Please have a sandwich. I think I speak for the world (or, at least, all of us blessed with sight) when I say that I'd rather see this -- gorgeous, un-collagened, un-botoxed, un-tanorexic, even un-made up and (most importantly) well fed you over here on the right than be forced to endure the newly fish-faced, emaciated, greasy looking, sinewy, bleached out nightmare that you were walking the catwalk this week in Bryant Park. For the love of God, even your skin is loose! (Note how it hangs over the side of your dress there!)
But back to the food thing. Meals. Invest. Everybody's doing it, and I'm relatively sure you can afford it, with your whole porn empire and all. Your vag of past years can get you a multitude of dishes, I have no doubt. And while it may work for Amy Winehouse, I assure you that "heroin chic" is not in. For more on this, read yesterday's blog.

Love and some empanadas,
Cuban B

P.S. You claimed you got your fakies removed... you lie, or at least bypass part of the truth. You just had them replaced with smaller, equally fake funbags. They're painfully obvious, and it looks like you have half cantaloupes bolted to your chest (hella low, might I add). NOT sexy.


Those poor dogs in purses weren't bad enough?!


Closer Magazine reports that Paris Hilton apparently wants to adopt the Children of the Corn... her own version of a skanky Aryan nation... a small gaggle of clones.

A source said, "Paris has been saying, ''You don't need a husband to have babies' There are babies in orphanages around the world, and she's hoping to find four girls with blonde hair and pretty eyes."

"She's been telling people, “I want a brood of little mini versions of me. I'll raise them to be the most famous women in the world"'

It’s rumored that Paris will use this opportunity to start the Paris Hilton School of Fug and General Skankery. Some of the classes slated to launch for Fall of 2008 include:

- Aesthetics 225-1: Creative Crotchery – Mastering Angles for Maximum Punani Exposure

- Art History 305: Evolution of a Hilton Face – Working that Wonky Eye

- Business 102: Using Your “Unique Skill Set” (meaning no skills) to Garner Wealth and Attention

- English 101: “That’s Hot” – Application of a Key Phrase as Adjective to EVERYTHING

- English 200: The Art of Avoiding Inflection – Making Monotone Speech a Way of Life

- Ethics 400: Milking a Prison Stay –From Whore of Babylonto Mother Theresa in Just a Few Hours

I can only hope to birth a blue-eyed blond girl to one day admit to the P.H.S.F.G.S. It's my one wish in this life.

Another (FAR Shorter) Open Letter

Dear Robert Downey Junior,

Negatory to the blond-ness. Make it stop.

Loved you in "Chances Are"!
Cuban B

NOW HEAR THIS: A semi stream of consciousness rant.

NOW HEAR THIS: Women are supposed to be the softer of the two genders. Curvaceous, even. We have hormonal cycles and our weight fluctuates (ever see a commercial for Pamprin or Midol? Yeah. It’s like that.)

So, given all these facts it drives me kind of crazy that the immediate question when some people see a picture like the one to the left of Jennifer Love Hewitt out on a beach just hanging out is, “Like, OMIGAWD you think she’s pregs?!”

Seriously. WHAT THE HELL?! The girl looks like a normal chick to me! It’s no wonder the self-image of teenage girls in this country is so warped, that our culture is so lipo-and-botox obsessed, and that we’ve got people literally dying to be thin. Apparently having a big lunch or a little pre-period bloat equates with incubating within!

It’s a sad, sick world where a woman can’t look like a woman without being picked apart.

Another example: Take America Fererra, the lovely star of TV’s Ugly Betty.

In the pages of this month’s edition of Glamour Magazine, they tout her as a “real-life beauty”. So, if they’re all about her being built like a “woman”, why did they Photo-chop her down by a good 25 pounds or so for the cover?

Color me confused… and color them hypocritical.

The irony of it all is that the very quickest to judge are those with no perspective or sense behind it.

I mean, going back to the J. Lo Hew case, I get it that celebrity gossip bloggers are supposed to express themselves to an extreme end, but come on… someone who looks like THIS (below, in the Elvis getup, of course) is the critic? It’s got to be a joke.

Furthermore, someone who’s a hanger-on, wannabe starf*cker if there ever was one (yeah – the Marshmallow Man look alike above is the blogger in question) has a right to call someone ELSE who actually is WORKING and has a semi-successful show on network TV desperate? Spare me.

(SIDEBAR: I’m not a big J. Lo Hew fan. I’ve actually never even watched her show, which is apparently about ghosts and is on CBS. All I know is that it’s been on for a while and it gets decent ratings… and that J. Lo Hew is a cute girl.)

Anyhow, bottom lines:

1) Girls are supposed to have all sorts of bumps, lumps, curves, and turns. These are RARELY indicative of pregnancy and are OFTEN indicative of a happy, healthy, and feminine female.

2) Fashion magazines should pick a stance and go with it. If your ilk is that of the Amazonian model, then fine – it is what it is. But if you want to talk about “real girls, show them to us in their REAL form. Take your hands off your mice and trackballs and appreciate the female form.

3) This is really a separate thing… but… I just read that Jennifer Hudson accepted a role as Sara Jessica’s assistant in the upcoming SEX AND THE CITY movie!!! Another score for the ladies rockin’ lumps!

WORK IT!

Britney and the Conceiveably Lost Cause

So, I just watched the Britney performance mess from last night.

I’m not really disgusted, per se… I actually feel bad for her to some extent.

Now, I realize that she is, for the most part, unworthy of any sympathy. She is an adult who has made poor choices – she’s always out partying when she should be caring for her kids or rehearsing, she essentially sabotages her own career at every turn, etc. I get all that, and you all know my feelings on it.

BUT.

Having been/ being a performer myself, it made me sad watching Brit because, above all, the most tangible element of her performance was embarrassment. She looked dead out there from moment one. It’s like she didn’t want to be out there – she did it because she was told the comeback thing was the right thing to do right now… and while I’m sure she realized she had something to prove, I think she just didn’t have it in her. She wanted to believe she did, but she didn’t… and it showed.

She knew her steps, but was clearly just going through the motions. That’s how you perform something in a rehearsal just to make sure you have your stage directions – even a legit rehearsal would have more energy and excitement than she showed at any point in that painful few minutes.

This reinforces for me something I thought all along: When you’re a performer, and you truly love what you do, you will come through in the clutch because your love for what you do will shine through. It should emanate from you – it should wow the audience by way of its sheer power, no matter how out of shape you might be. I’ve always thought Brit was someone who performed because that’s what she was told to do from when she was little. That she did dance competitions and whatever not because she really loved it, but because it’s what she knew. (I knew a LOT of girls like this growing up in theater and dance.) That was all confirmed for me in last night’s number.

So, in short, I feel bad because she had no business being on that stage and she probably felt like she had to be up there.

Furthermore, I feel bad because in the big picture, I think Brit’s suffering the backlash of growing up too fast in the public eye. Do I blame the media? Paparazzi? No, no, no. I blame mom and dad. I blame them because when it’s all said and done this girl didn’t have a real childhood. I’m convinced that’s why she’s partying like crazy now (and not grasping the responsibility of being a parent). That’s why she acts like a petulant child… because on some level, she IS a petulant child.

Is all blame removed from Miss Spears? No – you grow up, you need to adapt. We all go through growing pains of some sort or another… and yes, hers are just scrutinized and inflated because she’s in the public eye… but like it or not, she birthed those two kids and she now has a responsibility to do right by them.

Letting K-Fed look like the hero/ better parent is NOT the answer here.

So, end point is this: Much as she’s never been my favorite, nobody like to see anyone fail. (Except Paris Hilton… but that’s a different story.) I hope Brit gets the help she needs and reassesses. I hope the enablers in her life back off. I hope she grows up and learns from all this.

And I hope that, if she continues to push this comeback, she gets a better costumer… because that bikini was SO not what she needed to rock at this point.