Pop Culture Nonsense

An Open Letter...

Dear Jenna Jameson,

Please have a sandwich. I think I speak for the world (or, at least, all of us blessed with sight) when I say that I'd rather see this -- gorgeous, un-collagened, un-botoxed, un-tanorexic, even un-made up and (most importantly) well fed you over here on the right than be forced to endure the newly fish-faced, emaciated, greasy looking, sinewy, bleached out nightmare that you were walking the catwalk this week in Bryant Park. For the love of God, even your skin is loose! (Note how it hangs over the side of your dress there!)
But back to the food thing. Meals. Invest. Everybody's doing it, and I'm relatively sure you can afford it, with your whole porn empire and all. Your vag of past years can get you a multitude of dishes, I have no doubt. And while it may work for Amy Winehouse, I assure you that "heroin chic" is not in. For more on this, read yesterday's blog.

Love and some empanadas,
Cuban B

P.S. You claimed you got your fakies removed... you lie, or at least bypass part of the truth. You just had them replaced with smaller, equally fake funbags. They're painfully obvious, and it looks like you have half cantaloupes bolted to your chest (hella low, might I add). NOT sexy.


Those poor dogs in purses weren't bad enough?!


Closer Magazine reports that Paris Hilton apparently wants to adopt the Children of the Corn... her own version of a skanky Aryan nation... a small gaggle of clones.

A source said, "Paris has been saying, ''You don't need a husband to have babies' There are babies in orphanages around the world, and she's hoping to find four girls with blonde hair and pretty eyes."

"She's been telling people, “I want a brood of little mini versions of me. I'll raise them to be the most famous women in the world"'

It’s rumored that Paris will use this opportunity to start the Paris Hilton School of Fug and General Skankery. Some of the classes slated to launch for Fall of 2008 include:

- Aesthetics 225-1: Creative Crotchery – Mastering Angles for Maximum Punani Exposure

- Art History 305: Evolution of a Hilton Face – Working that Wonky Eye

- Business 102: Using Your “Unique Skill Set” (meaning no skills) to Garner Wealth and Attention

- English 101: “That’s Hot” – Application of a Key Phrase as Adjective to EVERYTHING

- English 200: The Art of Avoiding Inflection – Making Monotone Speech a Way of Life

- Ethics 400: Milking a Prison Stay –From Whore of Babylonto Mother Theresa in Just a Few Hours

I can only hope to birth a blue-eyed blond girl to one day admit to the P.H.S.F.G.S. It's my one wish in this life.

Another (FAR Shorter) Open Letter

Dear Robert Downey Junior,

Negatory to the blond-ness. Make it stop.

Loved you in "Chances Are"!
Cuban B